The feeling of hopelessness?

Do you know what it is like to feel like everything around you is like the subject of calculus? This is how my life is. I don't want to live. I have no future. All I see is calculus written all over the place and equations that I will never understand. How do I end this life without pain? Please don't tell me to live, I don't want to live. Help me end this pointless life. I know I am mildly retarded. I failed academic math hopelessly. I failed academic science hopelessly. That was in ninth grade. I failed about seven-nine subjects in high school, and the rest I barely ped with pity marks of 50, because the teachers were notified of my visitation with my psychiatrist. I request a psychiatrist, and he helped me then. But **** it, if I need somebody to help me to be happy for the rest of my life, I should just die. Understand that all I feel is confusion and sadness and emptiness everyday. Wtf is the point of being on medication for the rest of life, to keep me living,